A Bottle of 18-Year-Old Angst

(Preface: This is part of a category of blog posts called “Moments,” devoted to describing moments of my life and their subsequent significance. This entry was prompted by an old poem I wrote in college.)

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

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His heart torn, as it both loves and hopelessly despairs, the young man sits forlorn, in a tired room, at a worn wooden desk that bears the scarred marks of prior occupants, now ghosts, cottony cobwebs forgotten in the chamber’s dusty past, and repairs his gaze to the storm clouds begotten within, that now gathering, threaten to swallow the world unawares.

His heart presses up into his throat so hard it aches. It aches as love and longing strain against the desperate hopelessness and strife; it grieves as all it knows of life appears as just a thin mist rising up from the road after an afternoon rain, and it burns hot with a volcano of impotent outrage trapped beneath a bedrock of pain.

And in the midst of the tumult, a yellow Bic pen bleeds out blue, ink staining letters and words into the pressed white pulp of a college-ruled, spiral-bound notebook:

"This world we live in 
          is a terrible mess;
She looks like a dream
          in her long flowing dress;
Filled with sorrow
          and unending despair;
I run my fingers
          through her long soft hair;
Try as we may
          we can never achieve
She runs her hand
          down the length of my sleeve;
That which we want,
          but still we keep trying.
She kisses me
          and hears not my heart crying."

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Moment

A late hour of a forgotten day in 1982, mourning the tragedy of love and desire in the face of the meaninglessness of life and the imminence of death.

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Significance

Written while sitting in a dormitory room in 1982 by an 18 year old former me, the juxtaposition of these alternating lines resonated with the angst in my soul and reflected the tension between the love and passion of youth and despair born of the seeming meaninglessness of my existence in a barren and heartless world, ready to self-destruct at any moment in a cataclysmic nuclear firestorm. I longed, even ached, for something truly meaningful, something eternal, but despaired that such a thing actually existed. Little did I understand then that my obsession with meaning and purpose was a secondary cause, driven by the drawing of the One who had long before set His eyes upon me as His own.

If eyes of flesh were to look at that 18 year old me – full of youth’s vigor and earthly promise, and then gaze across the span of 40 years to 58 year old me – disabled, sorely afflicted, dependent, and without hope of outward improvement, there would not be a moment’s hesitation about who was better off. They would be dead wrong. Because now I have found Jesus Christ – His love, His forgiveness, and His eternal life. And although the outward burden of physical affliction that I now bear cannot compare, gone is the spiritual hopelessness and despair.

In reality it was my sin, and my looming death and judgment, that were the nuclear firestorm. When, years later, I gazed upon Jesus Christ in faith, it was the firestorm that vanished like a mist and my eternal life in Jesus Christ became real.

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Postscript

Dear reader, the world today is much as it was then, and despair, the dark offspring of hopelessness, stalks the landscape of humanity like a clutching specter, whispering lies and seeking those he may devour. Although truth may seem elusive and life may appear as a meaningless mist, this is a not the case. Hope is real and truth has a name, and his name is Jesus Christ.

He left His throne in heaven to be born as a babe in a manger. Grew to manhood, and when the time was right He submitted to death, even death on a cross, to pay the sin debt of all who would ever call upon His name in humble repentance and faith. Death could not hold Him and He rose again on the third day. He ascended to heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father, where He rules in righteousness, power, and love.

Now all people everywhere are called upon to repent of their sins, lay down their arms and their rebellion, and surrender into His loving embrace, trusting in Him for their forgiveness and for life, eternal and abundant. Behold! Take heart! In His grace, He calls sinners. He is calling you. Do you hear His voice?

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Scriptures

“And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, ‘Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.'”

The Gospel of Mark, Chapter 2, verse 17

“The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.”

The Acts of the Apostles, Chapter 17, verses 31-31

“The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.”

The Revelation of Jesus Christ, Chapter 22, verse 17

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18 year old me, full of pride, despair, and longing

© Craig Sabin 2022 All rights reserved